Hurricane Humor

Someone sent this to me recently but I heard Matt Kennedy reading it on WJBO a while back. It’s quite funny so I thought I’d pass it along. Enjoy! 

Gustav’s Guide to Hurricane Survival 
(Lessons Learned During and After the Storm)  
 
The hurricane grouch quotient can be calculated by adding the number of children and pets in a home without power, multiplied by the number of days quoted on the Entergy telephone recording, divided by the number of fans or portable air conditioners powered by your home generator, (however if you were last in line at Home Depot and have no generator then multiply by the daily high for that day reported by either Pat Shingleton or Jay Grymes), then add the number of trips to the washateria and the days left until school opens. Discount by the percentage of time spent at neighbors who have power. Recalculate as often as necessary.
 
No matter how many times you flick the switch, lights don’t work without electricity.
 
Vienna sausages appears on the food pyramid during hurricane season.
 
Gas mileage is recalculated based on miles per fume.
 
Lovebugs do not disappear in 80-mph wind gusts.
 
Disasters can cancel one LSU football game but there will be even bigger casualties if we cancel two.
 
Despite protests, kids can re-live their parents’ youth when there were only 3 t.v. channels!
 
Cats are even more irritating without power.
 
Baton Rouge without traffic lights resembles Mexico City, Rome, Los Angeles and New York City all rolled into a single snarl.
 
There are/were a lot of really big trees around here!
 
Just because you’re 18 doesn’t mean you can stay out as late as you want. Mayor Holden meant business when he said curfew.
 
People will get into a line that has already formed without having any idea what the line is for.
 
Calories consumed during a hurricane or power outage do not count.
 
Telemarketers function no matter what the weather is doing. New Delhi does not check the weather report in Baton Rouge.
 
Most popular text message after September 1:   do u hve pwr
 
Twenty-seven of your neighbors are fed from a different transformer than you, and they are quick to point that out!
 
Your next door neighbor having power has absolutely no impact on whether you have power or not.
 
Trees, limbs, branches and leaves dumped on your yard in less than 6 hours will take 6+ days to remove.
 
The added property value of a sweeping oak tree in your yard pre-Gustav is directly proportional to the cost of removing that horizontal tree post-Gustav.
 
Crickets and cicadas can increase their volume to overcome the sound of 14 generators.
 
Dirty clothes in an unsupervised hamper multiply at an exponential rate.
 
Coffee, spaghetti and frozen pizzas can be made on a grill.
 
Tree service companies are under-appreciated, except after hurricanes.
 
Our Lady of the Lake never closes. Really.
 
Water will fill the Acadian Thruway underpass, even sometimes when it is not raining.
 
There are a lot more stars in the sky than most people thought.
 
If you owned a store that sold only ice, chain saws, gas and generators, you would be rich.
 
With only a small amount of guilt South Louisiana can collectively pray a second hurricane to landfall in another state or country.
 
He who has the biggest generator wins. 
  
Thank you to all our first responders, healthcare professionals, service technicians, teachers, police officers, small business owners, and more who joined with the thousands of individuals sharing their time and talent to help restore our community to wholeness.  
 
The most important lesson of all learned from Gustav in the last week is that the human spirit has an amazing resilience that even a hurricane cannot bend. Through God’s love and amazing grace we can endure all things.